A Christmas Story

My friend, Traci and I went downtown to do a few little "simple" Christmas errands. Well, as many of you know, nothing is simple in New York City. I meet Traci outside around 5 and much to my surprise it isn't *that* crowded. We wander through the bizarre in Union Square for awhile looking at the overpriced, reallycoolthingthatwouldbeagreatpresentforsomeonebutwho
ohforgetitidon'twanttospendthatmuchanyway. We decide to find the Union Square Theatre where I am to pick up tickets for a show. We ask some vendors, one of whom actually said in his thick, New York accent, "Well, youse in the right place." "Well, yeah, I figured that buddy, since we *are* in Union Square. Chug some more eggnog." Finally, we find it, I get up to the box office, there are two tickets remaining in the orchestra. I exclaim, "I'll take 'em." I reach for my wallet. GONE. NOT IN MY BAG. This is when I begin cursing my grandma. Yes, my grandma. She asked me to pick up drugs at the Pfizer store, I did so, and on the way back up to my cube, I put my wallet in the bag. The guy, we'll call him, "Bitchy Queen" wouldn't hold the tickets. Merry Christmas, you dirty bastard! Traci and I (and now it is really freakin' crowded, ah, rush hour) chug back uptown to Pfizer to get my wallet. Anyone else would have killed me (i.e. Julie, Jan), but Traci was like, "Oh, okay." Got it, ate chocolate kisses all the way back downtown where I am pressed against people on the train. Traci tells me this story about when she was on a really crowded train and this guy was pressed against the doors-there was no where he could go-and when they opened the doors he FELL out of the train. On his back. On the platform. This made be hysterical allowing me not to think about what a dumbass I am to have left my wallet. We get to the theatre and Bitchy Queen still has the tickets. I exclaim, with one arm raised above my head, "I'll take 'em!" Our next stop is Paragon Sports to buy a gift. Of course they don't have the size, but wait they have the size in blue, but I need it in black, and we have 29 bathing suits in receiving that we can't find, can you come back, no, can you wait, yes...after about an hour (we came, we left, we came back), they find the size and color per my request. For anyone needing a black speedo, yes, they do have them in stock now, so get get yours today! Fast forward through craft supply stores (per Traci request), Container Store, Rocket Wrapps, Food Emporium...to the cookies. I am not a cook. Or a cookie. The laziest thing available right now in regards to cookies are these sugar cookies, already cut and decorated that you just put in the oven. However, you do need a cookie sheet. We have a pie pan...sure, that'll work. Frosty's head attached to another Frosty's head and so on...until they were a dozen conjoining heads. It was sad really. But tasted yummy nonetheless. And then, well, the finale of the evening and of the show, "The Apprentice." I am glad Kelly got it even though he is a boy and has the name, "Kelly." And Good Night.